If there`s a throne, you lookin` at the chairman

until i decide to take my watch off, i still believe that we were just a matter of time

I don't care how much of a hot mess we are, I just wanna wake up like this every single day

What's really lame is that I need to take a drug test by Thursday and I have smoked an ounce in the past 36 hours . What's even lamer is that I secretly feel a little jolt of happiness when I hear artists talking about dropping out of high school in songs, like it makes my situation less embarrassing. Things aren't so bad though .. I kick ass at work and it's actually lookin like I will be enrolling in FSU next fall, maybe if I can manage not to fuck that up I just might actually go somewhere with my life ! Yipee...

KARI IT'S LIKE 4AM AND I'M REALLY SAD BECAUSE I WISH YOU WERE BEING SERIOUS ABOUT GOING TO FLORIDA STATE. IF GOD EXISTS THEN YOU'LL MOVE TO FLORIDA..... bitch

"There ain't nothin but the wind in my hair; I'm not bullet proof, I'm full of proof that you can make it here . All that livin' fast, it ain't got to last but now I can't slow it down because I'm sittin' on top of the world and I'm not comin' down"

I feel like a murderer. I can't get this off my mind. I need to pass a drug test within a month or else I'll be on probation for the next two years, yet I am rolling a blunt right in front of me. It didn't hurt this bad until I opened my email and saw what I saw. I realized what I did. I'm never going to be a good person, which is something I am 100% convinced of. I just wanna get fucked up.

For the past hour I've been having a legit debate with myself as to if I should or should not ingest all sixty of my sleeping pills. Everything is so, so wrong.

( my life is so awesome ) 

Why did I have to watch that stupid movie? Why is it making me feel like this is okay? Why does he somehow know exactly the moment I fall into tears and happen to text me that I am the most beautiful girl he's ever seen? Where did he come from? Why does he like me so much? Why do I believe in this? I suppose a girl can dream...

I was endlessly searching Kari's journal for an old picture of us since I couldn't find one in either of mine. A perfect picture to describe what it felt like when we were on top of the world. I found this, "You'll always be my best friend, and no matter how many emails, messages, im's, or plane tickets it takes, I won't let that friendship go down the drain." I never realized how much I loved and trusted you until just recently, and seeing this felt like a sign from God. You kept your promise. You are officially the only person in my life including my parents who has ever kept a genuine promise to me, and I am forever in debt to you for that. You're really more than a best friend to me, you're my family and I solemnly swear never to let our friendship down, either. In my mind, we'll always be here, looking like slobs, blowing bubbles not giving a fuck what anyone has to say about it.

In my perfect world, I wear hazy at 2am every day except with long hair. I am deeply in love, but I reside in the desert with my best friend. She is the most beautiful person I have ever seen, and I like to write stories about her and our life together. I don't care about television, fashion or facebook. I believe in holistic remedies and healing power. I live my life as if it will certainly be ripped from me come the dawn. I don't think it involves much else, but it's a sweet dream for now...

It's beyond tough, at any age, to go back and re-evaluate your life. It's beyond tough to dig deep inside yourself and uproot all of the repressed memories whether good or bad. It's beyond tough looking back and realizing you're nowhere near where you wanted to be. I don't regret a second of it though. I'm just as proud of the pain as I am of the gain. I've spent so much of my life trying to place myself or figure out where I belong. After taking a step back tonight, I've fully accepted that I am where I belong whether that be at Yale or rehab. I've been bounced back and forth to both ends of the spectrum many a time but, at the end of the day it remains true that "sometimes you're flush and sometimes you're bust; when you're up, it's never as good as it seems and when you're down, you never think you'll be up again but life goes on." There are times where I'd give anything to be able to go back and do things differently or relive my favorite moments. It's true that time is precious, and I am hoping that this is not just one of my random, short-lived epiphanies. I am hoping that I'm experiencing a breakthrough. I am hoping that I will be able to view my life as an ever-changing adventure. I am hoping that I'll be wise enough to put it in God's hands and roll with the punches. I'm happy to be alive today and I'm certainly happy to be able to say that.

My secret summer romance at age fourteen, this boy I was relentlessly smitten towards (secretly) keeps finding me in all the corners of the earth... New York City, Pensacola, Denver. The worst part is that after last night, it kinda hurt when he left. Ughhhh

This is my definition of genuine happiness and there is just about nothing I wouldn't give to be back at this place.
I am trying so hard to make Kevin see that I want this back, that I want us to move on from all the wrong we've done each other. My best friend once told me I was weak and pathetic for taking him back and then she told me that he was weak and pathetic for taking me back. Maybe we're both weak and pathetic, but I prefer to believe that we're just madly in love and will always take each other back despite all the crying and fighting and heartache. I never thought it was possible for two people to love each other so much and resent each other so much all at the same time. I don't want ANYTHING except to just be on our island, me and him, right now. I swear on my life someone could offer me the world, but I wouldn't want it. I just want my love back.

"I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless. Letting go is fearless. Then moving on and being alright, that's fearless too." -Taylor Swift


I'm going to be just fine

Fh i realllu think I am a drug addict . I've been fucked up since I got here but every day t gets harder to cope with the true emotions. It's 3am I'm on coke, painkillers and weed .. People say you can die from doing that too much but all I know is that my heart can't decside to go fast or slow so I crave these speedballs , weed is necrsary to my life or something . I just need to e in florida . I'm so fucked up and I don't have my friends here to at least try and make me laugh .. I'm heartbroken and homesick and lonely D .. Who ever though Emily would be in a basement smoking weed and poppij thizzles with two black guys x I just wish Kari was here my best friend in the entire world or o wish I was with her because she's the greatest person I've erver known and the only person who's truly truly stuck by my side since day 1 and i really trust her with my life because I love her more than anyone cause she really always keeps me grounded and she's jst so cool seriously I always thought she was just so fucking cool I'm really glad were best friends buy seriously my life is fucked up . I always do drugs but hopefullulu I'll survive . I always dooooooooo

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

I guess even though it feels like my life is about to fall apart once again, things aren't so bad...

I just went on Kevin's facebook to find out he's already moved on. After two days of not speaking he's trying to fuck around with other girls. I have never felt a surge of pain like this. Not even when Eric left me. I have become the person I hated most and I now truly believe in karma. I got fucked. I don't want to wake up for a long time.

"I snapped out of the mourning immediately, and all of my life energy turned into choosing life. In choosing life, I realized that my dreams of being a writer wouldn't just come true; I had to do the work. And as I wrote about my life, I relived it, and whatever I didn't like, I rearranged. I made a commitment to finish my story even if I had to write in the basement in the middle of the night while everyone else was asleep. But the more I wrote, the more I understood myself and why I had made the choices I made, and that was the real jackpot. I learned that dreams don't work without action; I learned that no one could stop me but me. I learned that love is stronger than hate. And most important, I learned that God does exist. He and/or She is right inside you, underneath the pain, the sorrow, and the shame. I think I'll be a lot better now that this book is done."

This is how I'm feeling right about now. I've seen a lot and I've written a lot and I've learned a lot about myself, but my true story is only beginning. I do think I'll be a lot better once it's finished.

I know you probably wish you never met me, but I just wish you'd never forget me and let me say please don't worry about the men that I have been with; no engagement can amount to your friendship ♥