If there`s a throne, you lookin` at the chairman

For the fifteen-millionth time, my life is falling apart. I've stopped eating altogether except maybe a cup of noodles or some bread at my work once in a while. If there is not a beer in my hand within 20 minutes of me waking up, I begin to panic. I feel like I'm a normal person because I have a job which I excel in and because I maintain my apartment scrupulously, but I don't think it's normal to not be sober for every hour of the day that I am not asleep. I feel trapped in my own life. When I was still in high school and still lived with my dad it felt like I had all the time in the world to mature and change. I do feel like I am maturing and learning to be self-sufficient, but why must I be so dependent on drugs and alcohol? Everything is ass backwards. I hate this feeling.

what's sad is that . i'm fat and i don't remember taking even one of these pictures .

My life since moving out of my parents house:


ROOMiE ♥

Found an apartment so as of December 30, 2009 I will no longer live with my parents. I feel like hopping in my cute little cadillac and driving off into the sunset seems easy but I am truly unsure if I am ready to be on my own paying bills and taking care of myself. I guess I am just gunna have to sharpen my decision making skills quickly

"emily i love you, the way u look at me, the way u smile, smell, ur skin, how u kno what i want without me sayin n e thing. ur so sweet and beautiful i need you.. all i need is you to remain sweet and stay positive cuz i know u want us to b happy and i feel the same way. theres no way i describe how sorry i am for doing the things i have when i mistreat u. we should never try to hurt eachother especially after were workin to respect eachother completely. ur all i ever think bout, i love u emily. theres no replacin somebody that knows me so well. all i want is u snugged up on me givin me kiss expressin ur love :) u kno how to treat me and u kno how to handle me, ur smart n cute n funny and somewhat well mannered ;) just keep me happy n respect urself most of all if were happy em theres no limit for us. and theres nothin more attractive than a confident girl that respects herself and u kno how. theres so much emotion n love between us and i kno u can feel it, so just b the woman that both of us want and well have a successful relationship.. i love u emi, u mean so much to me. ive never had someone i can talk to like u. our relationship is so intimate, i cant wait...;)... dont ever think bad bout me baby, im not gonna do u wrong. i wanna b the reason ur happy, the reason ur comfortable,i want us to b perfect. im workin i swear girl"

I'm glad I stuck it out with Kev in the end.. Hearing this and knowing were going to be together again in 9 days is worth every fight and tear and breakup . I really don't think either of us will screw it up this time

Sat courtside at the nuggets/heat game, ate a 500 dollar dinner, shotgun in the range rover en route to the ritz carlton... Life isn't bad at ALL

until i decide to take my watch off, i still believe that we were just a matter of time

I don't care how much of a hot mess we are, I just wanna wake up like this every single day

What's really lame is that I need to take a drug test by Thursday and I have smoked an ounce in the past 36 hours . What's even lamer is that I secretly feel a little jolt of happiness when I hear artists talking about dropping out of high school in songs, like it makes my situation less embarrassing. Things aren't so bad though .. I kick ass at work and it's actually lookin like I will be enrolling in FSU next fall, maybe if I can manage not to fuck that up I just might actually go somewhere with my life ! Yipee...

KARI IT'S LIKE 4AM AND I'M REALLY SAD BECAUSE I WISH YOU WERE BEING SERIOUS ABOUT GOING TO FLORIDA STATE. IF GOD EXISTS THEN YOU'LL MOVE TO FLORIDA..... bitch

"There ain't nothin but the wind in my hair; I'm not bullet proof, I'm full of proof that you can make it here . All that livin' fast, it ain't got to last but now I can't slow it down because I'm sittin' on top of the world and I'm not comin' down"

I feel like a murderer. I can't get this off my mind. I need to pass a drug test within a month or else I'll be on probation for the next two years, yet I am rolling a blunt right in front of me. It didn't hurt this bad until I opened my email and saw what I saw. I realized what I did. I'm never going to be a good person, which is something I am 100% convinced of. I just wanna get fucked up.

For the past hour I've been having a legit debate with myself as to if I should or should not ingest all sixty of my sleeping pills. Everything is so, so wrong.

( my life is so awesome ) 

Why did I have to watch that stupid movie? Why is it making me feel like this is okay? Why does he somehow know exactly the moment I fall into tears and happen to text me that I am the most beautiful girl he's ever seen? Where did he come from? Why does he like me so much? Why do I believe in this? I suppose a girl can dream...

I was endlessly searching Kari's journal for an old picture of us since I couldn't find one in either of mine. A perfect picture to describe what it felt like when we were on top of the world. I found this, "You'll always be my best friend, and no matter how many emails, messages, im's, or plane tickets it takes, I won't let that friendship go down the drain." I never realized how much I loved and trusted you until just recently, and seeing this felt like a sign from God. You kept your promise. You are officially the only person in my life including my parents who has ever kept a genuine promise to me, and I am forever in debt to you for that. You're really more than a best friend to me, you're my family and I solemnly swear never to let our friendship down, either. In my mind, we'll always be here, looking like slobs, blowing bubbles not giving a fuck what anyone has to say about it.

In my perfect world, I wear hazy at 2am every day except with long hair. I am deeply in love, but I reside in the desert with my best friend. She is the most beautiful person I have ever seen, and I like to write stories about her and our life together. I don't care about television, fashion or facebook. I believe in holistic remedies and healing power. I live my life as if it will certainly be ripped from me come the dawn. I don't think it involves much else, but it's a sweet dream for now...

It's beyond tough, at any age, to go back and re-evaluate your life. It's beyond tough to dig deep inside yourself and uproot all of the repressed memories whether good or bad. It's beyond tough looking back and realizing you're nowhere near where you wanted to be. I don't regret a second of it though. I'm just as proud of the pain as I am of the gain. I've spent so much of my life trying to place myself or figure out where I belong. After taking a step back tonight, I've fully accepted that I am where I belong whether that be at Yale or rehab. I've been bounced back and forth to both ends of the spectrum many a time but, at the end of the day it remains true that "sometimes you're flush and sometimes you're bust; when you're up, it's never as good as it seems and when you're down, you never think you'll be up again but life goes on." There are times where I'd give anything to be able to go back and do things differently or relive my favorite moments. It's true that time is precious, and I am hoping that this is not just one of my random, short-lived epiphanies. I am hoping that I'm experiencing a breakthrough. I am hoping that I will be able to view my life as an ever-changing adventure. I am hoping that I'll be wise enough to put it in God's hands and roll with the punches. I'm happy to be alive today and I'm certainly happy to be able to say that.

My secret summer romance at age fourteen, this boy I was relentlessly smitten towards (secretly) keeps finding me in all the corners of the earth... New York City, Pensacola, Denver. The worst part is that after last night, it kinda hurt when he left. Ughhhh

This is my definition of genuine happiness and there is just about nothing I wouldn't give to be back at this place.
I am trying so hard to make Kevin see that I want this back, that I want us to move on from all the wrong we've done each other. My best friend once told me I was weak and pathetic for taking him back and then she told me that he was weak and pathetic for taking me back. Maybe we're both weak and pathetic, but I prefer to believe that we're just madly in love and will always take each other back despite all the crying and fighting and heartache. I never thought it was possible for two people to love each other so much and resent each other so much all at the same time. I don't want ANYTHING except to just be on our island, me and him, right now. I swear on my life someone could offer me the world, but I wouldn't want it. I just want my love back.